When Loved Ones Become Rational

Posted on April 6, 2012 by admin

by Magda Murawska, M.Ed.

Thinking or acting irrationally happens to all of us. Even if you’ve read everything that’s out there on rational thinking (or guide others on how to identify their irrational thinking), it’s bound to happen to you. A few months back, I found myself in a very irrational state. I had been woken up in the middle of the night by the incessant ringing of my doorbell. As I typically prefer that guests make their visits during the daylight hours, my husband and I were not expecting anyone. Thinking the person was mistaken, we hoped the loud ringing would stop. But it didn’t. Already feeling the irrational side of me stirring, I made my way to the window to give this person a piece of my very irrational mind. As soon as I got to the window, I was happy I had held onto some self-control, as the person ringing the door bell was a police officer. Luckily, he wasn’t there to arrest us, but he definitely didn’t come bearing good news (I’ll jump in here to let you know that thankfully nobody was hurt or dies in this story). The police officer was there to inform me that someone had crashed into my parked car and asked that I bring my license and registration to the scene of the crash just down the street. Still confused by the turn of events that had just transpired, my husband and I got dressed quickly and left not knowing what to expect.
Continue reading →

Posted in Magda Murawska, Ed.M., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

Good Fences

Posted on April 4, 2012 by admin

by Chayim Newman, M.A.

In his 1914 poem “Mending Wall”, Robert Frost wrote that “good fences make good neighbors” quoting the 17th century proverb. He clearly did not know about New York apartment living. Seems everyone who has shelled out radical amounts of money to live in a tiny apartment in NYC or its environs – often with a view of the brick wall of the next building over – has had the experience of the neighbor-from-hell. If you haven’t, come on over, he’s currently living right below me.

This belligerent older gentleman has spent an inordinate amount of time over the last eight months filing noise complaints against me to the building’s management company, banging on my door to offer a menacing threat or two, and even going so far as to “borrow” my mail. Every incidental meeting with him in the hallway is met with a vicious glare and a derisive or nasty insult slung my way. But that’s ok, all of that is his choice. Here’s mine:

Early on in this uncomfortable situation, after finding myself getting really angry several nights in a row when returning home from work, I recognized that this wasn’t going to be an issue that went away overnight, and it was going to be up to me on how to process it. I identified that it was my thoughts and beliefs about the situation that were going to dictate how agitated I became and how I then reacted. I was able to identify these kinds of thoughts:
Continue reading →

Posted in Chayim Newman, M.A., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

How to Keep Your Eyes Wide Open and Remain an Optimist

Posted on April 2, 2012 by admin

by Rachel Waxman, Ph.D.

Of course I may be wrong, but I think that most people who see the world with a degree of clarity would agree that no person fully understands everything. The world is just too complex. In every situation, there are so many contributing factors and so many people who will be affected in so many unknown ways (and then go on to affect others in even more unknown ways) . . . that there’s no way we can accurately and completely describe the implications of even a single event. Since from our individual vantage points, we can’t comprehend the “absolute truth,” that means that how an event affects us is all a matter of perspective.

Many people have a typical style of thinking – optimistic or pessimistic – that encourages them to use a more positive or more negative perspective when they interpret events. Both styles are just one possible viewpoint, and people using either style will see more details of some situations and fewer details of others. Neither viewpoint is closer to “the truth,” but they do affect how people feel and act. Someone with a pessimistic style is likely to feel gloomy and try to avoid risks. Someone with an optimistic style is likely to feel hopeful and seek out opportunities. Personally, I want to see the world as honestly as I can, but if I’m bound to have some bias, I’d rather err on the side that makes me happier and more willing to make good use of the future. So, I’m a fan of optimism.
Continue reading →

Posted in Rachel Waxman, Ph.D., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

Appreciating What You Have

Posted on March 27, 2012 by admin

by Kristene A. Doyle, Ph.D.

So many songs have been written about this. So many clichés are out there about this. Yet until it happens to you, my guess is that we do what most do- ignore the concept. I recently underwent a medical procedure that has temporarily left me with very little upper body ability. Now that I don’t have it, I am literally astounded at how much I rely on, and have taken for granted, my mobility and strength. I write this blog today to urge all of our readers and followers to do one extraordinary thing for yourselves: appreciate what you have rather than focus on what you don’t. It’s too easy to think about and harp on what we don’t have. The problem with this type of approach is that it makes us feel lousy, often does not lead to making changes, and we lose sight, appreciation, and gratitude of what we do have. We’re never going to have everything we want, we won’t and don’t always get what we want, and life isn’t always going to treat us with the equity we often believe we deserve.
Continue reading →

Posted in Kristene A. Doyle, Ph.D., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

Dr. Feelgood

Posted on March 12, 2012 by admin

by Mary Russell, M.S.

I don’t think I am alone in my tendency to avoid “the doctor” or any doctor for that matter. My aversion began when I was fairly young. Little Mary didn’t like the vaccinations, blood tests, and q-tips jammed down her throat to test for strep. Years later, Teenage Mary still hated shots but now also experienced an embarrassment that teenagers are primed to experience when sitting virtually butt naked on an examination table and awkwardly responding to humiliating questions. Now, Adult Mary still hates the doctor. I still hate shots. I still feel embarrassed by certain questions. On top of this, I am now the sole person responsible for paying my medical bills and dealing with the insurance companies that relentlessly avoid paying these medical bills. Though my reasons may have changed (or mounted up), Adult Mary still hates the doctor as much as Little Mary.

As adults, many of us hate the doctor as much as the run of the mill 5 year old. While our reasons may differ, our hatred is often equally irrational. We may think that we can’t stand the pain that may come with the visit, the embarrassment that comes with the questions (or more likely our responses), or the stress of having to pay our bills. More seriously, we may tell ourselves we can’t stand a diagnosis or recommendation that our doctor may give us or that we’re not strong enough to get better if we are sick.
Continue reading →

Posted in Mary Russell, M.S., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

In the Moment

Posted on March 9, 2012 by admin

by Ricky Hornblass, Ph.D.

Today’s blog is a challenge for everyone reading (myself included) to pick a half an hour each day to do only one thing at a time. That means:

1. You cannot check your e-mail while waiting on line or at red lights.
2. You have to actually pay attention to what people are saying to you.
3. You cannot make mental “to do lists.”
4. You need to actively focus on what’s going on around you.

I tried this tonight and it was hard. I played with my kids for a half an hour and that is ALL I did for the entire half an hour. I left my phone in the other room and I did not clean up or check on anything else in the house while we were playing. It was the best part of my night. I especially enjoyed not having my phone attached to my hand…
Continue reading →

Posted in REBT Therapists, Ricky Hornblass, Ph.D. | Leave a comment

Taking Off the Glasses

Posted on March 7, 2012 by admin

by Eric Sudler, M.S.

On a cold, rainy Monday afternoon in January earlier this year, I’m driving home on the Long Island Expressway. Suddenly, the car next to me swerves in front of me. I lose control of my car as I slam on the breaks. Due to the slick conditions, my car hydroplanes into an SUV. I miraculously walked away without a scratch. My car, however, was not so lucky. It had plenty of scratches, dings, and dents. It was totaled.

Like most people, I considered this to be awful since I depend on my car a lot for my day-to-day obligations as well as frequently driving out of state to visit family. There was no doubt in my mind that this was punishment for something I had done or had yet to do. Being a grad student in one of the most expensive US cities was hard enough. There’s enough to worry about already. Having one more thing to worry about doesn’t really help anything in my life.

My car accident really made me aware of some of the things I take for granted. At the risk of embarrassment, I’m going to tell you that the next morning I grabbed my car keys and walked outside to drive to class. That is, until I walked outside and saw my car that had been mangled like a crushed soda can. It was then that I said, “Oh yeah… ” My routine was so deeply embedded that I had totally blocked out the reality of my situation. This only made me upset. I was convinced that this event shouldn’t have happened to me. I’m a pretty safe driver and have never been in an accident. This wasn’t fair.

Continue reading →

Posted in Eric Sudler, M.S., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

How to Stop Rating Ourselves

Posted on March 5, 2012 by admin

by Candice Siu Woo, Ph.D.

We have all grown up in a society in which ratings and rankings mark many milestones and determine a multitude of decisions. From the minute we are born, our height and weight are ranked amongst all other newborns, then our development of reflexes, language and such are measured and ranked. Then we enter school, and our athletic abilities, our academic performance, our appearance are all being measured, compared, and ranked whether we like it or not. Of course, a lot of these measurements provide invaluable information on development, and whether interventions or remediation are necessary. However, these measurements, which were initially developed for identification of problems or delay, are inevitably associated with a certain value. Parents may gleefully declare that they have a bigger baby, a faster learner, or a gifted child; they may similarly evaluate their children negatively with the statistics they are provided. In turn, many of us grow up believing that a single measurement may come with a positive or negative value. The danger arrives when this one positive or negative value becomes the sole measurement of our worth.

Continue reading →

Posted in Candice Siu, M.A., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment

Be Assertive Sooner Rather Than Later

Posted on February 29, 2012 by admin

by Ricky Hornblass, Ph.D.

Today I was in a situation in which I was forced to be assertive and it was really tough. I found myself feeling anxious in anticipation of the interaction, feeling nervous while engaging in the interaction, and then second guessing my actions one it was all over. The reason that I had such a significant emotional response to the situation was that I had not reacted in the appropriately assertive manner for some time and I was a mess of pent up anger and frustration. If I would have only addressed the situation immediately it definitely would not have aggravated me to the same extent.

The problem with not being assertive is that we tell ourselves that we are “letting things go” many times when we are really feeling many negative reactions and are unable to really “let it go.” After doing so multiple times, our list of grievances piles up, and we begin to feel rage, anxiety, hatred, depression, etc. These feeling then persist until one day…SNAP…we lash out and react in a manner which is often inappropriate and ineffective and generally makes us look bad. So the next time something bothers you, speak up and communicate with someone else in an assertive manner and nip it in the bud the first time around.

Posted in REBT Therapists, Ricky Hornblass, Ph.D. | Leave a comment

The Perils of Parenthood

Posted on February 27, 2012 by admin

by Rachel Waxman, Ph.D.

The moment their first child was born, my cousins’ usually laid-back approach to life disappeared. Suddenly, daily life loomed very large – and the intensity of their emotional responses grew to match. The new father felt guilty all day about leaving his wife and son to go to work each morning, even though he knew that having an income was undoubtedly best for them in the long run. The new mother spent her hours agonizing over whether she might be feeding the baby too much? Or not enough? Needless to say, neither of them got much sleep, even though their baby slept soundly for hours at a stretch.

The situation didn’t change until one night when the baby was about three weeks old and woke up crying. His mother picked him up – gingerly, afraid to hold him too tightly or too loosely – while his father stumbled tiredly into the kitchen, picked up a rattle, and tried to fill it with the baby’s formula. This error broke the solemn spell under which the family had been operating for the past three weeks. While the parents relaxed for a moment to laugh about the formula-covered rattle, their son peacefully dozed off.

My cousins realized two things that night: (1) Even if they tried to stay on high alert all the time, they were still bound to make mistakes; and (2) Their baby didn’t seem to mind much.
Continue reading →

Posted in Rachel Waxman, Ph.D., REBT Therapists | Leave a comment