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A batting average, in its simplest form, is the number of successful hits, divided by the number of attempts. Practise makes “perfect” but what happens when striving for perfection prevents us from practising?

Many children of baby boomers were brought up to believe that we can accomplish anything. While perhaps we are capable of great accomplishments if we put our mind to it, we, and the things we do, are not perfect.

“Perfection” is a prevalent theme throughout Western Culture. We believe that a perfect person never makes mistakes, always knows the right answer and is not flawed in any way, shape or form (best of luck finding them). When we fall short of this self-imposed goal we become fiercely hard on ourselves. Many avoid situations, riddled with anxiety, for fear of being seen as imperfect. We are paralysed by a fear of failure, consumed with concerns of how awful it would be if others saw our flaws.

Others believe that perfection is a currency which measures worth; failing to feel perfect leaves one feeling less accepted, and less acceptable. We self soothe the pain of not being perfect, using any number of the multiple vices available to numb or hide the feelings away, bolster our confidence and help us feel either closer to perfection, or less bothered by our inability to reach it.

But what is perfection anyway, and how do you really know when you’ve reached it? Can’t we always do things that little bit better? Be a better friend, lover, employee, therapist or even client? Without mistakes, we’d be living in a utopian world that had no sense of perfection, given that it would be the only alternative. We need the downs to appreciate the ups; this works well, because, I’m afraid to tell you, the downs are not going anywhere. Mistakes are part of human nature and not only have we already made them, (some real doozeys), we will continue to make them. It is through the mistakes we’ve made that show us how to do better next time!

Our demand for perfection makes the mistakes that we make harder to accept, understand and reconcile. You will make mistakes. You are not perfect. You will navigate those mistakes, learn from those mistakes and recover and move on from those mistakes. Accepting that, and being prepared for the failures, will ultimately improve your batting average. If you face a failure head on, acknowledge that it happens, recognize its place in the grand scheme of the universe, and know that you will also succeed despite your failures, you will be best positioned to deal with and manage your mistakes. You will recover from them faster and ultimately perhaps make fewer mistakes, improving your batting average and not allowing your failures to slow you down.

It’s almost 9 pm as I sit at my computer this evening. I am writing from a hotel room in Honduras, here to conduct a training on behalf of the Albert Ellis Institute. I am doing my best to answer some emails before I call it a night (this is called living it up when one goes to another country), and I happened to glance down at the lower right-hand corner of the computer screen. I notice the date, August 30, 2o12, and I am immediately struck with a sense of disbelief. Tomorrow, August 31, will mark the 21st anniversary of my father’s death (odd terminology to say anniversary connoting something positive). I’m sure everyone reading this has a similar date that stands out for them in their mind; something that no matter what, is indelible. I can recall to this day the sense of utter despair and gut wrenching emotion that took over me like a tsunami when I was told my father was killed in a car accident. I recall viscerally the sense that I would never, ever, ever be the same, and my life as I knew it was changed forever. All of that was true, and has proven to be true to this very day. But I was wrong about one thing. I believed at the time that my life would never go on, how could it? I lost the most important person in my life, and there would be no purpose in anything I did or that happened. Today, and many days prior and hopefully many days ahead, have proven otherwise. I never could have predicted I would turn out the way I did, or could have ever found happiness again, nonetheless be in some foreign country doing what I love to do, teach REBT to individuals from all different backgrounds. Perhaps it is partly because of what I have experienced that I am able to go to so many countries alone without doubt or insecurity. For all of our Facebook followers- bad things are going to happen. That’s a part of life that many times is out of our control. I will forever be indebted to Dr. Albert Ellis for empowering me to not let these bad things get the best of me. I hope you can do the same. Perhaps Nietzsche was onto something when he said “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” With all due respect to Nietzsche, I would just add one thing to this- that which does not kill us makes us stronger- if we choose so.

There are certain memories in our lives that bring back strong emotions. Think about the first time you rode a bike, or the time you got your first pet or birthday present. How about your first kiss, first car or your first job? Do you remember what you felt then? Can you feel the happiness, or the anxiety, or surprise? How about the first day you went to school?

I think all of us have a special story about going to school. Most of us recall the excitement about the beginning at least. That eagerness to learn new things and discover new friends made most of us unable to sleep the night before our first day of school. Every year, thousands of kids around the world feel the same way you did. There is something magical about that first day. You always remember it because it is one of those special moments in your life.

Once you start school, you enter the thrilling world of knowledge. Soon enough you discover that the more knowledgeable you are the more you need to learn. School can be addictive you know. Maybe some of us disagree, but to a certain degree, school is like a drug. Only that people didn’t seem to find too many side effects from it. Otherwise, they would have invented SA, “Schoolaholic Anonymous” and started running therapy groups. Well, I should say that not all of us always liked school. I remember being in kindergarten and hating it. Every day in the morning I would negotiate with my parents how many hours I would have to stay at school that day. I was always begging them to let me stay home. If that did not work it was time for plan “B”- coming up with a believable excuse for my teacher that would save me from napping. Well, I don’t know about my teacher’s IQ, but my stories almost always worked because I got away with things often enough. Now looking back at things, I would give anything to have some naptime at school. Maybe I should make a proposal?

No matter how old you are I am sure that every year around the starting of a new school year, you recall how your first day of school was. Around this time parents are going crazy with doing all the back to school shopping. Children on the other hand probably think about all the options of postponing this moment. And teachers…. well they still dream of their sweet vacation somewhere far away enjoying a glass of wine and not having to put up with all the craziness about grades, lesson plans and let’s not forget the highlight of any schools nowadays … State Exams. No matter if you are a child, a teacher, or a parent there are a few words of wisdom that might help.

Parents: Going back to school for your child might seem bad at first because you have to put up with all the morning whining, and dragging the little darling out of his/her bed because now more than ever he/she seems to love sleep. Well, in your hardest times remember that you are stronger that you think and you can do this because your frustration tolerance is higher than for any other species on Earth J Oh, and let’s not forget… kids going to school = more free time for you.

Children: For you… I am sorry to be disappointing but there is no time machine to stop this from happening. So rather than saying “ Oh, I can’t stand going back”, or “ I hate homework, it’s too hard”, remember that you stood school work so many times before so certainly you will stand it now also. And remember the Nike motto “Just Do It”!

Teachers: It’s no going back. Let’s just get it together and make the best out of it. It’s that time again when you have to gather all your magic and give the best to this new generation because remember what they say “ You can make a difference in every child’s life”.

Earlier this year I became an aunt. I’ve watched my sister-in-law work hard to make sure that she does the very best she can for my nephew. My nephew, who is adorable by the way, is not a good sleeper. He has never slept soundly, and has been unwilling to sleep away from my sister. For him to sleep, she either has to hold him or put him in a baby carrier close to her body. After all of her best efforts over the past six months to coax him to sleep independently and soundly, my nephew refuses to sleep. He will even kick in bed to keep himself awake. Now no one is sleeping, and everyone’s nerves are frayed. My sister did what many would do: she reached out for advice on what she could do to help the situation.

Instead of help, my sister received shame and downing from others. Some well-meaning people would say things like, “Oh, my son was like that for a week, just be patient and it will get better” – the potential message here being that she is lacking as a parent because she is not being patient. Other people have said that if she loved her son and met his needs better, he wouldn’t have the need to keep himself awake to receive her love and attention. So, now not only is my sister exhausted from lack of sleep, she’s now receiving shaming and downing messages from others. She is being told that she is simply not doing enough, and it will get better if she is just patient and loving enough. The truth of the situation is that we have no way of knowing if the situation will get better, if any additional effort or patience on her part will help my nephew sleep.

Over the past several years, I’ve paid more attention to parenting related issues. These sleep criticisms that are subtle and not so subtle is something of a larger tendency some people have to shame others for not making the same parenting choices they themselves have made. For example, if a mom is not able (or chooses not) to breastfeed her baby, I have noticed that some women (and men) can be quite critical of that mother. Some people, convinced of the superiority and rightness of their own pro-breast milk position, shame and put down others.

Sleep is another of those topics that everyone, their mother, and their mother-in-law have an opinion about. For parents, like my sister, who continue to have difficulty getting their child to sleep in spite of all the information they have read, can often think they are failures. They can think if they only could do it a little bit better, they’d have a sleeping child. And to add further insult to injury, sometimes the people these parents talk to only reinforce that idea: that you simply haven’t tried enough to get your kid on track.

The message that others send (“You are a bad parent because your kid is drinking icky formula and not breast milk;” “You are a failure of a parent because your kid can’t sleep, and plus you aren’t patient enough”) does not mean that the people receiving the message are necessarily bad or failed parents. However, when we start to tell ourselves the same downing messages others tell us, we get ourselves into trouble by engaging in self-shaming.

People, like my sister, can’t stop others from thinking or saying shaming thoughts about them. But there is hope for people that shame themselves or receive downing messages from others. You can change what you think of yourself. So, if you think you are a bad parent, what can you say to yourself? Think about the following: one, or even many, perceived failures as a parent does not totally define someone as a parent. There are thousands of tiny and not-so-tiny acts involved in parenting, and when someone says he or she is a bad parent, that person is probably not looking at all the other activities he or she may be doing well. For example, your kid might not sleep, but does your kid roll from tummy to back? You aren’t breastfeeding, but do you have a car seat secure in the car to protect your baby? Each parent is a mix of strengths of weaknesses, neither totally “good” nor totally “bad.” Additionally, we as people are not defined completely by how successful we are as parents. Some people might say that “I am a terrible person because I am not a good mother.” In reality, each person is complex, and to invest someone with worth simply because he or she is a “good” parent or to take away their worth because he or she is a “bad” parent (based upon a totally subjective definition) just doesn’t make sense.

If you are down on yourself, remind yourself that each person has value because they are a person, no more, no less. That human value can’t be taken away from us based upon the labels we give ourselves, or the labels others give us. Your value as a parent doesn’t increase or decrease if your child is breastfed or given formula. The parenting style you use doesn’t make you a better or worse parent; attachment parenting folk and cry it out folk are all equally human and worthwhile. You can be a person of worth if your kids won’t eat vegetables, doesn’t fall on the height/weight growth chart, and is terribly impolite. And you know what else? You can be a perfectly fine parent and a valuable human being, even if your kid doesn’t sleep the night (or any other time either).

That special time again… the Olympic Games. Every four years sports lovers around the world gather together to celebrate life through sport. It is astonishing how much effort (and money) is invested in organizing this gigantic event. However, countries that host it take pride by creating a unique and unforgettable experience.

Watching the athletes compete and strive for a gold medal always makes me think about things like endurance, persistence, ambition and nevertheless hard work. We are the ones who sit on our couch and admire the final product: an excellent floor routine, an amazing swimming competition, or a thrilling boxing game. Yet, behind these things that amaze us are endless hours of practice, commitment, desire and an incommensurable effort to achieve excellence.

Being a professional athlete does not only mean working hard but also having excellent coping mechanisms for stress and emotional endurance. These are the people who defeated procrastination and awfulizing and have increased frustration tolerance. Saying something like “It is too hard to train eight hours a day” or, “I shouldn’t have to work this hard. Things should be easier” does not bring you an Olympic medal. Well, people might argue and say that this is what they chose and therefore they should not complain. This might be right, however there is so much more to learn from our athletes.

1. Believe in your dreams and goals. Remember you cannot reach the top of the mounting without walking its trails. By breaking big tasks into smaller parts, you can reach your target easier and prevent procrastination.

2. Be persistent even if you get discouraged at times. Persistence is the key of success.

3. Work hard and focus on your goals. See the reward that awaits you at the end of your journey. This will give you the motivation and desire to stay on task.

At times things can get complicated. However, this is what life is all about and there is no way around it. Expecting or demanding that life should be easy it is not realistic and healthy. However, acknowledging that we have the power of making things better and more manageable along with changing our irrational beliefs can be helpful. So think of your goals and view things through the eyes of an Olympic champion. You are strong, confident and work very hard to reach your objectives. There is no room for fear or whining because this is your time to shine.

We love to talk. We talk all the time: on the phone, to each other, we Tweet, we post comments on Facebook, we send e-mails, and some people speak even in their sleep.

Spoken language is probably the most human characteristic that separates us from other species, a wonderful asset that helps us communicate our feelings, express our love, bond with people, encourage others or express our gratitude. Nevertheless, words may easily become a dangerous device used to create emotional traps, confusion and suffering. Just remember the last time someone told you something that hurt! However, even more important is the way we talk to ourselves. Although people around us are not usually aware of our internal dialogue, it has a tremendous impact on how we think, feel and behave in our everyday life.

According to the REBT principles, awareness of the internal dialogue represents a cornerstone of the emotional wellbeing and a “must-have” in the change process. For example, remember a recent situation when you made yourself feel very depressed or very angry! For example, that time when you were not invited to a party, or when someone pushed you in the subway. Now, try to recall what you were telling yourself! What words, what tone (in your mind, of course) did you use? Was it something like “Nobody likes me! They all ignore me! I am a total failure and a worthless person!” Maybe it was something more like “I hate these people! I cannot stand these rude people pushing me around! It’s so awful how they treat me!” Well, some people are not aware how they talk to themselves, and very often, it is because they are too busy talking to others and trying to “fix” them. So what does REBT teaches us? What can we do!

First, I would suggest you to turn off your cell phone (yes, you can stand it!), and go to a quiet park and do nothing, just sit there. In the beginning, it will be so difficult to hear anything other than planes or street noises. However, after about 20-30 minutes, if you can still stand it, you may hear your own internal dialogue (maybe for the first time). That is self-awareness. If you managed to do it, you took a big step toward identifying those rigid and unhealthy irrational self-statements that made you feel so angry or depressed. Try it right now! There is no “golden” technique to do it, you need no manual and it is free. All you need is a little solitude, a grain of awareness and some patience. A patch of green grass and a blue sky may help a little!

Hoping you will find the opportunity to do this, maybe next time, we will learn strategies to help you change this internal dialogue and eventually make you feel better and enjoy life more. As Ellis put it, you will learn “how to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything: yes, anything.”

Social media broadcasts a broad and deep data stream that permeates all aspects of our lives; balancing our online avatars with our authentic selves is part of the modern age. Sometimes, however, our online interactions become a tool to seek validation – it is then important that we proactively make a distinction between our digital and analog selves, and unplug and recalibrate.

Often at dinner parties the conversation turns to online dating, as we outdo one another with horror (and occasionally success) stories that wouldn’t seem out of place in a Sex and the City episode. Regardless of your ethnicity, fetish, hobbies, sexual orientation, religion, or even pet type, there are sites dedicated to helping us find the “one”. Whether it’s the “one” for forever or the “one” for an hour, these sites are booming and we’re their loyal followers.

Much like the game of roulette, we never know if our next spin could bring us great fortune. It is this hope of a positive result that keeps us spinning that wheel: inconsistent positives, the same that drive the gambler to keep playing, make online dating so addictive.

Coupled with the hope of success, another factor that keeps our $19.99/month accounts active is the desire for external validation. To optimize the chance for such validation, we carefully craft our online personas, scrupulously vetting our pictures, and proofing our profiles to ensure that our positive features are enhanced, while we distract from what we believe to be our weaker ones. Who wouldn’t love the persona we have created….?

So what happens when the headless torso on Grindr or the Ivy Leaguer on Match.com is not receptive to our advances or, even worse, somewhat receptive but then disappears into the cyber abyss never to be heard from again? If we’ve taught ourselves to evaluate ourselves based on external sources, this is blow to our fragile sense of self.

Flattery is a drug. Seeking out this drug, in the guise of external validation, is an exhausting and never-ending process. Unfortunately, most people believe that self-esteem is earned through our accomplishments and these accomplishments are never permanent and need to be repeated. As soon as you’ve had the fix, gotten the compliment, it becomes old and holds no value so you seek another, and then another, to satisfy you. Our self-esteem becomes like a rollercoaster, the headless torso replies to my message, my self-esteem rises. The Ivy Leaguer blocks me, my self-esteem falls and so the cycle continues.

Early life events and the inferences we make about them, help craft the beliefs we hold. If we develop self-downing beliefs, such as, I am unlovable or we demand we must have love, we turn to external sources for validation.

When we think this way, we give others control over how we feel, we seek out validation from everyone we meet, people we don’t know and who know nothing about us- does that sound logical to you?

So let me offer another approach to external validation and self-esteem, which I hope should make the world of online dating easier to navigate. Firstly, we need identify the negative thoughts we tell ourselves, remember we have rehearsed these for many years so it may take time to change. In their place, we offer more rational alternatives; we would like to loved by others but don’t have to be, we can tolerate not being loved, it’s not awful and does not affect my value as a human being. These statements need to be reinforced until they are as strong as the other beliefs we hold. How is this done? Practice, over and over again. When we begin to learn the difference between a desire and a need, we realize many of the things we crave can be lived without. It would be nice to get validated by others but we don’t need it. When we truly believe we don’t need it, we take back the power we’ve given to others; we are in control over how we feel. I can be disappointed that the headless torso rejected me but gone are the days that he has the power to break my heart!

A friend of mine was recently telling me stories about how “absolutely nuts” her husbands’ parents make her. She tells me that she cannot stand how her in-laws are constantly interfering in her life. She is living a daughter-in-law’s nightmare. They are opinionated, and ALWAYS share those opinions, even without an invitation. They tell her how to raise her children, push her to break her kids bedtimes so they can visit, and always want her to bring her family to their house, so that they can spend time with their grandchildren. They do not seem to realize that she is involved in other activities and has commitments in her life that do not include tending to her in-laws needs. She told me that she has tried everything, but that she cannot get her mother-in-law to stop asking invasive questions and making ridiculous demands. Furthermore, she gets annoyed and tells her husband that she can’t stand his mother and everything she does, which usually causes an argument between the spouses.

Prior Attempts to Fix the Problem: My dear friend has tried many different ways to change her mother-in-law’s behavior. She has invited her in-laws to her house so she and her children do not need to travel, she has tried to schedule dinners earlier so that the kids can still go to sleep on time, as well as many other solutions. They have all been to no avail and she still ends up angry after each encounter with her mother-in-law.

My Unsolicited Opinion: First, I think it’s important that my friend realizes that she cannot change her mother-in-law. Next, I desperately want her to realize that her that her anger is not only hurting her relationship with her-in-laws, but is also hurting her marriage and her children’s relationship with their grandparents. Each of these relationships is important to her. Hopefully, she will realize that she needs to get her anger under control for herself and her family.

The Real Problem: The semi-hidden problem here is that my dear friend believes that she cannot stand her mother-in-law’s interference. However, the fact that she continues to tell me these stories afterwards shows me not only how many times she has faced this situation but that she has, in fact, stood to tell the tale.

Many daughter-in-laws have mother-in-laws who overly involve themselves in their daughter-in-law’s business and still manage to survive. She should be no different. I wonder how many daughter-in-laws think their mother-in-law’s sole purpose in life is to get under their skin? Let’s just say she is probably not alone in this feeling and I haven’t heard too many stories of people truly not being able to withstand an interfering mother-in-law.

Magic Potion Fix: If she could change her belief that she cannot stand her mother-in-law to a more rational or functional belief, then perhaps the next time her mother-in-law demands that she bring her two young children over for dinner at 8:30, she can still manage to enjoy some of her day. Perhaps if her new belief is that she does not like it when her mother-in-law interferes, (who would?!) but that she can stand it with it when it happens, she’ll be less angry each time her mother-in-law steps over the boundaries she has set.

To be fair, she will probably still be annoyed when her mother-in-law invades their lives, but it will be a healthy kind of annoyance. If she can turn her anger toward her invasive mother-in-law into a manageable frustration, then she can join the ranks of all the frustrated but functional daughter-in-laws of the world.

P.S. To my mother in law- if you’re reading this I love you!

Today is my 30th birthday. The “big 3-0.” When I was younger, I looked forward to the day when I’d be 30 years old with excitement. Now, I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, if anything. It means getting older and having less time to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself. The end of a chapter and the start of a new one.

As I think about turning 30, I think of years past and where I want to be in 5-10 years. I think of the goals I have wanted and want to accomplish in life, and whether I’m heading in those directions. I think of similar-aged, married friends with children, careers, and/or mortgages and wonder if the extra years of schooling I decided upon will be worth the cost. I wonder if I’ll be happy in 5-10 years if I do indeed reach those goals on some level.

Some people have told me that the 30s are a time of reappraisal of life goals and the path one has taken to achieve them. I’m pretty sure that I have a few concrete and specific life goals that I’d like to achieve during my lifetime. Even though it would be tough, in the unlikely case that I didn’t have a chance to achieve my goals, I think I’d be able to manage.

This is what I tell myself to quell my fears of not having done enough and taking too long to achieve my goals. On my 30th birthday, as I’m struck with the realization that I’m getting older, starting a new chapter, and have slightly less time to achieve my goals, I’m practicing rational thinking. Mostly because I don’t want to make myself feel unnecessarily bad on my birthday.

If, on your birthday, you find yourself worrying unnecessarily about getting older, it might be time to re-assess and/or refine goals you’ve set for yourself, assess whether they are still your goals, whether deadlines and other criteria for measuring progress are realistic and flexible, and whether you’re being too hard on yourself for not living up to lofty standards you may have placed upon yourself to achieve those goals. It might be time to ask yourself if you MUST achieve those goals and whether you would be able to tolerate not achieving those goals. What would that mean about you and do you think that is a fair assessment of you as a whole? Lastly, it might be time to refine criteria for measuring progress toward your goals until they are realistic and attainable.

Then, go have fun, because it’s your birthday, and because you can also practice rational thinking later.