A hallmark feature of feeling depressed is having low energy. Just as bears hibernate in the winter to expend as little energy as possible during the times of scarce resources, we go through a depressive “hibernation” so we can conserve our own energy while times are tough. In fact, this may literally happen to people when they experience depression every winter. This becomes a problem when, in our efforts to conserve energy in the short-term, we cause more harm in the long-term.

A classic example is the person who pours him or herself into food (or vice versa) when something goes wrong. Food tastes good and can be a source of comfort in the short-term. However, if enough things go wrong this person may turn to food quite often and may become overweight or have increased health problems. These become new problems which lead to more depression, overeating, and so on.

Another example is when a person stays in and withdraws when they feel depressed. If they feel depressed enough they might rarely go out which may cause them to have less interactions with friends and other forms of social support than normal, which would decrease their potential to have rewarding experiences. This, in turn, would lead to more depression, more withdrawal, and even less social interaction.

In both examples the person chooses short-term gains over ones that take more energy but are better in the long-term. In order to break the depressive cycle, it is important to first identify when you are making decisions based on your depression. Ask yourself, “What would I do if I weren’t depressed?” Making decisions out of low energy and fear are based on the short-term and not what is best for you in the long-run. Second, once you realize what choice is best for you in the long-term, fight the urge to simply do what is easier for now. Acting based on the thought of “I’m feeling so bad right now that I can’t stand doing anything else – I need to pamper myself” is short-cited and will cost you more later on. You can stand the urge! You’ve had urges before and haven’t died yet or exploded from them! Stop acting based on your depression and fight it. Do what is best for you and not for your emotions.

I can never stop laughing at this new Direct TV commercial.

This is how it goes:

“When your cable company keeps you on hold, you get angry

When you get angry, you go blow off steam [shows a man playing squash

aggressively]

When you go blow off steam, accidents happen [squash ball bounces back into man’s

eye]

When accidents happen, you get an eye-patch [man receiving treatment at the

doctor’s office and puts on an eye-patch to protect his eye]

When you get an eye-patch, people think you’re tough [man is riding a bus, and is

being heckled by a group of hooligans]

When people think you’re tough, people want to see how tough [hooligans decide to

attack man]

When people want to see how tough, you wake up in a roadside ditch [man is lying

in roadside ditch alone]

Don’t end up in a roadside ditch, get Direct TV”

Essentially, the commercial lists a sequence of events that can transpire from feeling angry about cable companies. The commercial is funny because each subsequent event is equally bizarre and far-fetched, culminating in a catastrophic outcome of lying helpless in a roadside ditch. Nevertheless, the commercial suggests that by switching to Direct TV, one would avoid this sorry outcome. Funny, yes, and it perfectly illustrates the ridiculous logic of thinking when we subscribe to “awfulizing” from one event.

For example, people who experience anxiety often catastrophize about the future. “If I don’t do this one task perfectly, people are going to think I don’t know how to do my job. Then I will get fired, lose all ability to ever be employed again, and end up as a homeless person.” Although the sequence of events may be a little more plausible than the commercial, each predicted outcome is one out of a million other possibilities. Further, believing in this sequence of outcomes would only increase your experience of anxiety. So, next time you find yourself panicking about the future, just think back to how funny the Direct TV commercial was, and how hilarious your thinking might be in that very moment.

I recently saw the new Broadway musical “Ghost.” Based on the hit movie starring Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, the musical first started in London before crossing the pond to the Broadway stage. Luckily for the audience, the stars of the show also crossed the pond, which means that they know their parts down to the t. I had initially been hesitant to go, thinking that nothing could beat the classic movie. But, I was truly and pleasantly surprised.

As I sat there (tearing up on several occasions, I will admit), one scene stood out above the others. It was the scene prior to the male character, Sam’s, untimely and tragic death. He and his girlfriend, Molly, had been strolling back from a late dinner when the topic turned to saying those three special words. Sam was one of those people that was just not keen on saying them. He had previously sang Molly a beautiful song about how he says “I love you” in every way other than actually saying the words. To Molly it wasn’t enough, she demanded that he say the words as proof that he really loved her. Though I quickly saw the irrationality in both her demand, I felt for her, understanding that sometimes hearing those three words from the one you love is like warm syrup on a stack of hot pancakes – just amazing! So as much as I wanted to yell “Just do it already, Sam!” I also realized that it was unwarranted for her to place this demand on him. We often make these demands on others, whether based on society’s standard or our own, forgetting that others don’t always live by our set of rules and expectations. As they argued about Sam’s inability to say “I love you,” the tragedy occurred.

It was truly heartbreaking to watch the scene play out. Just a second ago the couple was fighting about a detail in their relationship and the next second, their relationship was gone. All of a sudden, all the little things that seemed so important no longer mattered. In fact, they seemed rather ludicrous.

The scene was a perfect example of how life throws many curveballs our way. Typically when we least expect it. Sometimes we see it coming, as if in slow motion we watch as it comes at us, holding out hope that maybe it’s not meant for us. That maybe it’ll miss us and we’ll be left unscathed. That our life will continue as we had imagined it. But then it hits and we, and our life, are changed forever. And regardless of whether we saw it coming or not, nothing can ever prepare us for what the impact will feel like.

We’ve all been dealt with at least one ‘life curveball.’ Knowing that they’re bound to happen will not make the experience easier or make us less shocked or surprised when the unpredictable happens. If there’s anything predictable about life, it’s its unpredictability. And sometimes that unpredictability can be very painful. It can be like a splash of cold water reminding us that what we want does not always happen and despite our best efforts, things don’t always work out the way we planned.

So what is the morale of this blog post? To remind both myself and you, the reader, to not get caught up in life’s little hiccups. Remember that our goal is the same – to live a happy life. Since we don’t know how much of life we have to live, why waste it on anything other than trying to be happy? I don’t mean every minute of the day happy, more like ‘big picture’ happy. Will this mean that life will be perfect? No. Will it be predictable? Absolutely not. But, that is why we should continually work towards that goal of being happy. Whether it’s realizing that we’ve been stuck in a rut or whether we’ve been holding onto a grievance. Maybe it’s time to let go. So say what you’ve been holding back. Call the person you’ve been meaning to call. Develop more meaningful relationships. Fill your life with memorable moments. Don’t hold grudges. And don’t make demands – they lead to frustrations and disappointment. Acknowledge your wants and strive for them, but don’t demand that they happen. Life just doesn’t work that way. And if you do anything, at least tell your loved one that you love them.

How much time would you get back if you chose not to worry about the little things in life you think are unfair, rude, or inconvenient…if you CHOSE not to “sweat the small stuff?” Life is full of countless things that might bother us at any given time. I’m just as guilty as anyone (if not more guilty) of this offense and I can think of a myriad of – let’s face it – stupid things, I spent time upsetting myself about. To give you some examples, here’s a list of things that I’ve wasted at least 1 minute (and up to…much longer) being angry about:

1. People who walk slowly because they’re trying to walk and text at the same time
2. When my dog pees on the carpet
3. People who roll their eyes at me when I walk slowly while texting
4. When I go to get my laundry from the dryer and it’s still wet
5. When I smudge my nail polish

6. When people don’t respond to emails as quickly as I want
7. When I miss the bus
8. When I forget my phone for the day
9. …when things don’t go my way.

I bet some of you reading this think I’m a bit of a wet blanket, maybe even a brat…but I bet you have a list of things like this too. They may seem ridiculous when you write them down and really think about them but in the moment these “stupid” things like these really do bother us. The good thing is, after recognizing how silly they really are, we can choose not to upset ourselves about them. While we may think these things will break us down and ruin our day, the truth is that most of them won’t …unless we let them. You can choose to make a mountain out of a molehill OR you can tell yourself what these small things really are – small things that are more or less inconsequential in the grand scheme of life.

So your homework for today:

1. Make a list of the things that really upset you

2. Decide which of these things you want to choose not waste your time being upset over

3. Put them in an envelope

4. Seal the envelope

5. Throw it away

Don’t sweat the small stuff – if you can make this choice, you’ll be in a better position to deal with the more important things life throws at us.

The more I live, the more I understand the importance of making moments. When we look at our past, we don’t remember it in its entirety – just certain moments. The important lessons we have learned come from moments from which we took part; the happiest times of our lives become moments that we cherish forever. Our lives don’t just include making moments. Without moments we wouldn’t be able to remember anything from our past because we did nothing special.

If you are frustrated/bored because nothing is happening, make something happen. Be creative, do something silly. The harder it is for you to do, the more likely you will remember what you learned from it.

You can think that you missed a moment you shouldn’t have, but keep in mind that there is a constant stream of potential moments that can be made. If you fixate on a lost moment, you will be missing the moments happening right in front of you. We miss moments all of the time – it is impossible to take every opportunity to make one. The important thing is to remember that there will always be opportunities for more. My recommendation is to not wait for them to happen, but to make them happen yourself.

Willing to try an experiment? Grab a Post-it note and a pen… If you slept an average of 7+ hours per night this past week, put down a checkmark on your paper. If you ate three healthy meals per day this past week, put down another check. A third check if you exercised on five or more days. One more check if you felt like you managed your stress well and felt almost no muscle tension this past week. And a fifth check if you took some time each day for yourself to do something that you enjoyed, even for a few brief moments. Did you get all five checkmarks? I’d hazard a guess that almost no one checks off all five boxes, and certainly not on a regular basis. I’d suggest trying this experiment for a month and seeing how many checkmarks we amass.

The fact is, our self-care, composed of elements including: diet, exercise, stress management, sleep hygiene, and a number of other behaviors, is critical for optimal functioning. We are all aware of the research on declines in performance after sleep deprivation and in high stress situations, and there is significant literature to suggest that proper diet and consistent exercise also crucially impact performance – at work, at play and socially. Why then did few or none of us check off all five checkmarks this past week?

We all have irrational self-statements about our self-care and we use them to justify our reluctance to change our behaviors or to put in the effort required for healthy living.

- “It’s selfish of me to spend so much time on myself and my own needs”
- “I’ll be fine even if I don’t focus on my self care; plenty of people do so and live a long time”
- “Whatever I’m working on currently is more pressing than going to the gym or spending the extra time to prepare healthier meals”
- “If I tried to live that way, I’d fail after a couple of weeks anyway”

Some of those statements may sound familiar. I’ve said them to myself hundreds of times over the years. Unfortunately, these irrational statements are, well, irrational. They’re mostly inaccurate and certainly not functionally effective or conducive to health. In fact, one of the first signs of decompensation when one is suffering from clinical depression or severe anxiety is that these self-care regimens get compromised and, for all intents and purposes, thrown out the window. Therefore, one of the first things I always do as a clinician is to help clients re-establish their self-care regimen, giving their daily life an anchoring structure with which to then begin the work of addressing what underlies their emotional struggles.

Even for the non-clinical population, I think we’d all benefit from a more long-term view. As trite as it may sound, life really is a marathon rather than a 50-yard dash. And if we aspire to complete the marathon with our health and faculties intact instead of collapsing at the midway point, it will serve us well to commit now to our self-care (starting with the above five elements) as a real priority. While doing so, we can also recognize that it’s not a selfish commitment, but a truly selfless one, as only the functioning and balanced individual can effectively give of themselves to properly and patiently nurture others. Like they always say in the pre-flight announcement, we have to put on our own oxygen masks first, so that we may go out and properly help do so for others. Take good care of yourself. You’re worth it.

Here we go again. Time to make a conscious effort to be insane. For each of us, we have reached a particular comfort level in one or more areas of our life. Although we want to strive for better things and more opportunities, we refuse to do what it takes to get there. Why should we have to change? Staying the same is sooooooo much easier and requires much less effort. Anything else would require… work and possible discomfort. Yuck.

Facing change sucks and the truth can be hard to recognize at times even when people try to tell us. After all, who knows you better than yourself? Why should you listen to anyone else about what you should do? Every decision you’ve made up this point has been the perfect choice and you’ve never had regrets about any choice you’ve made, right? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Maybe a little outside help or advice might aid you in your journey.

You’ve made mistakes before and you’ll probably make them again. Not doing something because you’re afraid of a bad outcome is no reason to not try. In part, the fear of breaking the unbreakable patterns stems from the fear of discomfort. Doing something different means new choices, new patterns to learn, new experiences, and more energy to explore new and unfamiliar territory. But let me propose this: Just about everything that you are comfortable with right now, was at one point unfamiliar to you. One day, you tried it and liked it. Maybe you were introduced to it and it worked out. Perhaps you didn’t like it, but if you are reading this right now, it means that you survived whatever it was and lived to tell about. Therefore, we can conclude that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. The point is, you took a chance on it and it wasn’t the end of the world. No matter what kind of discomfort it is, it is only temporary.

As humans, we have a proclivity towards curiosity and the unknown. It is our nature to take risks. Without risk, there can be no progress. If no one ever took any risks or attempted to expand their comfort level, we probably wouldn’t have any of the great technological advances that we enjoy today. Therefore, if you associate risk with fear, discomfort, anxiety, or hardship, you will not be able to progress in life whether it’s branching out in the relationship realm, taking a chance at work, or just trying something different. Raising our frustration tolerance level is not supposed to be easy, but it will be rewarding. It’s a process. Processes usually take time and occur in small, sometimes imperceptible increments. So, given the choice between getting there slowly versus not at all, I would choose the former not the latter. Although the choice is easy when you think of it that way, most of us do not choose that option. If your goal is really to move forward and break that unbreakable chain of repeating events, you have to do something different or you will keep getting the same results. There’s no way around it. We have to learn to be comfortable with the discomfort and know that it’s not going to be easy. Again, it will start our very difficult and seemingly unbearable journey. However, just like most things in life, it will get easier with consistent practice. Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.

It’s hard to believe that April is here already. It seems like just yesterday we were braving the cold and windy days, bundling ourselves in layers of clothing. Now we’re greeted with birds chirping and the sun warming our faces. Spring often makes me think about new beginnings – life starting anew. Much like the effect New Years has, I become a bit more optimistic about life and am ready to conquer what’s ahead of me. It also makes me think about that list of goals that I set out for myself back in January. At the beginning of the year for the last few years, I have created a list of things I’d like to do in the next twelve months. It’s not like a resolution to be better or thinner, but a plan to do things that I haven’t yet done (like run a half marathon!), things I’ve been putting off doing (finishing that dissertation), places I’ve been wanting to visit (there are many). I try to keep the list as realistic as possible. There’s no way that I will be able to visit Belize this year, so that’s not on the list, but visiting some place new (any place) within the US (even if it’s just a couple of minutes from where I live) is. The purpose of the list is to motivate me to go out there and experience life. And it serves as a great way to plan outings, trips and new experiences.

So far there’s about twenty-something things on my list. As I look over the items that I promised myself I would do this year, only two have been crossed off so far. The thoughts of “You should have done more by now!” start creeping in and I start to feel a bit anxious, as well as frustrated that I haven’t been more active in checking these items off my list. But, I make a conscious choice to stop thinking these negative thoughts. I realize that engaging in them won’t help me accomplish anything on this list, but rather ruin my renewed excitement about spring. We often forget that we have this power over whether we want to engage our negative thoughts or not. Maybe it may seem uncontrollable as to what thoughts come into our minds, but we do have control over whether we engage them or not. By engaging them, we are giving them credibility and letting them decide how we feel. My thought of “I should have done more!” is a demand that I was making of myself. Since it was a demand that I had not met, if I had chosen to engage it I would have ended up beating myself up and feeling depressed over my lack of progress. But as REBT teaches us, demanding is one of the irrational beliefs and engaging in irrational beliefs leads us to disturb ourselves. I definitely do not want to disturb myself.

So as I looked over my list of ‘2012 to do’s,” I acknowledged that I wished I had done more in the three months that have passed so far. But I also make myself acknowledge that I still have nine months more to go – nine months filled with exciting things to accomplish. Looking at it this way makes me feel more optimistic about what lies ahead. Rather than beating myself up over not doing enough, I choose to embrace what I have yet to experience this year.

REBT is great at letting people off the hook when placed in difficult or unpleasant situations. Indeed, at the core of the REBT philosophy is the idea that you don’t HAVE to do anything. Looking at obstacles, it’s easy to rationally tell yourself that while you want to do something, you don’t have to and if you choose not to you’re still a worthwhile person and life will go on. Furthermore, this outlook will often free you from whatever unhealthy negative emotion(s) are eating away at you.

Recently, someone close to me fell ill and when I heard about it I immediately felt a strong desire to go to them, help out, and offer my support not only to the person who was ill, but also to the person who took on much of the caretaking responsibilities. When I made my intentions known, both these individuals immediately reminded me that the situation was not dire and there was no reason I HAD to return. They pointed out all the other obligations I had and noted that everything would be fine and they could deal with the situation without me. It was as if they were the spokesman for REBT. Indeed, thinking about the situation as they so eloquently and rationally put it considerably diminished much of my guilt and fear. This being said, I was still experiencing considerable regret and worry – healthier emotions yes, but nonetheless unpleasant ones.

When we think about emotions, it’s useful to think about their purpose. Negative emotions – healthy and unhealthy ones – tell us something is wrong or needs our attention. My regret and worry was reminding me of my WANTS. I wanted to go help and I regretted not going. While I knew my loved ones would be ok, I worried about them and I WANTED to help as much as I could. In all, this experience reminded me that while I never HAVE to do anything, I could WANT something very strongly. While I never NEED to act on my desires, I most certainly can and did.

Dispute and tackle the irrational demands you may be placing on yourself…but don’t stop there. Listen to your emotions and listen to your wants and if it will make you feel better – act. Remembered the importance of the WANT in REBT.

We all have a sense that we can control or have power over everything and everyone in our lives. I often talk to parents who feel tremendous guilt and anxiety when their children do not behave the way they would like or do not achieve the success that they had hoped. Similarly, individuals often become angry when they tell themselves that others’ should behave differently and that they can change them if they just work hard enough at it.

While parents can often adapt their behaviors to bring about positive change in their children and adults can advocate for themselves in an attempt to help someone else improve upon their behaviors, it is crucial that we accept that we often can’t change others. We are never the sole person responsible for someone else’s success, happiness, or behavior-there are too many other variables involved in the process. Therefore, instead of focusing on changing others’ or making circumstances turn out just right, it would be more productive for us to focus on ourselves. We should turn our demands of others into preferences and work on accepting them as humans who make mistakes (just like us). It is only then that we can attempt to improve our relationships and develop healthier patterns of interactions.